


sun & moon

by melty_sunshine



Category: NCT (Band)
Genre: Abuse, Alcohol Abuse/Alcoholism, Alternate Universe - Canon Divergence, Alternate Universe - College/University, Angst, Anxiety, Anxiety Attacks, Awkwardness, Falling In Love, Flirting, Fluff, Friends to Lovers, Hurt/Comfort, M/M, Mentions of Suicide, Past Relationship(s), Sexual Content
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2018-07-08
Updated: 2019-04-10
Packaged: 2019-06-07 05:17:56
Rating: Mature
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 5
Words: 17,597
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/15212039
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/melty_sunshine/pseuds/melty_sunshine
Summary: when my moon risesyour sun rises as wellunder the same skyin this different timeour hearts are connectedunder the same skyin which taeyong meets taeil, and doesn't really get him; but he's willing to learn.





	1. eclipse

**Author's Note:**

> i love moon taeil

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> an obscuring of the light from one celestial body by the passage of another between it and the observer or between it and its source of illumination.  
> "an eclipse of the sun"

“Crap.” Taeil was running late, and Taeil _never_ runs late. And it wasn’t even his first day! Well, it was his first day since he deferred for a semester last year, but it wasn’t like he was a complete newbie… and yet. He rushed as much as he could with his full backpack weighing him down and managed to get to the lecture room a couple minutes before the start time. Concealing his heavy breathing with a tactical yawn, he wandered down the aisles with a practiced casualness; he didn’t want to seem too eager.

 

He found a row and began shuffling past the person sitting on the end, mumbling an apology without looking at them. He was right in front of them when he lost his footing, sliding off the platform and pitching forward. He could see his whole sad, lonely existence pass before his eyes, his death coming only after he fell down twenty steep rows of students and plastic chairs. But then, a pair of strong arms wrapped around his waist and pulled him backwards, plonking Taeil down in the lap of his saviour. Taeil’s hand went to his heart and he panted with delayed panic. And then he realized he was in a stranger’s lap.

 

“A-ah, I’m so sorry, thank you!” He scrambled off the stranger’s lap, but then, because he’s a fucking _mess_ of a human being, he tripped again. The stranger let out a small laugh, and Taeil flushed. It was such a nice laugh, and it didn’t sound mocking or disparaging… just amused.

 

“Come on,” he said, and oh, it’s a boy, _great_ , “Just sit here. You’re a danger to everyone if you keep walking.” Taeil let gave a huffy little breath before giving into the boy’s suggestion. He set his bag down and took a seat, before turning to thank the helpful, if amused, stranger. But when he caught sight of the boy, his words died on his tongue. Because oh, wow, he’s… gorgeous. Big eyes dancing with humour, pretty, pink lips drawn into a kind smile, thick, dark eyebrows, one cut through diagonally on the end, and dyed red hair styled in a middle part. “I’m Taeyong,” he introduced himself.

 

Taeil _stared_ . He knew he was being painfully awkward and impolite, and that this boy, _Taeyong_ , probably dealt with enough assholes like him on a daily basis… but come on. Just _look_ at him; how could Taeil do anything _but_ stare?

 

“M-Moon,” he managed, conveniently and ridiculously forgetting his own fucking first name. Taeyong’s lips quirked and formed a full smile, and  oh, Taeil was toast. There was no way he was going to form an intelligent, meaningful sentence with this boy’s sunbeam smile focused directly on him.

 

“Are you a first year?” There was a teasing lilt to Taeyong’s voice, like he knew exactly the effect he was having on Taeil and was more than a little happy about it.

 

“U-Uh, no, actually… I did semester one last year. You?” Taeil was beginning to calm down a bit, the adrenalin from his near-death experience and the… whatever hormone Taeyong’s entire… _deal w_ as causing beginning to wear off.

 

“Yeah,” Taeyong said, still smiling. “This is my first day.”

 

Taeil quirked an eyebrow, finally back in his own head enough to remember how to smile. “Really? You seem so calm for your first day… I was a wreck on mine.”

 

“I can imagine,” Taeyong replied, giving Taeil an appraising once-over that made him blush and look away.

 

“S-So…” Taeil looked around the lecture hall in an effort to find a new topic, because he was hopeless at the obviously herculean task of _socialising._ “Um! Biology! What made you, uh, take BIO100?” Taeyong didn’t answer right away, and Taeil turned to finally meet his round, confused eyes.

 

“But this is—”

 

At that moment, the lecturer walked in, and the hall went silent. She tapped on her microphone. “Hi everyone, and welcome to Introduction to International Studies. First, some house-keeping…”

 

_Crap._

 

“Oh my god,” he whispered, “I thought this was Intro to Biology, _crap_ ,” he began grabbing his things and stood up, ready to sprint out of there, glowing red from sheer shame. And of course, it all had to happen in front of Taeyong, The Hottest Man in the Universe (even better than Thor). But before Taeil could make his graceless exit, Taeyong grabbed his wrist.

 

“Hang on,” he murmured, whipping out a black marker and pushing up Taeil’s sleeve. His tongue stuck out cutely as he scribbled down his digits, before directing that cheeky grin back at Taeil. “Text me,” he said. And who was Taeil to say no to that?

 

***

 

Taeil didn’t know how he had managed to fuck up so bad; the science area was on the other freaking side of campus (although it seemed that he had managed to get the room number correct). He would have run, seeing as he doesn’t like being late whatsoever, but Taeil has run once in the last three years, and that’s because he thought he was about to die. Taeil does not _run_. As it was, he was only about ten minutes late to his first biology lecture, but even once he was there, he wasn’t able to focus. As he was taking notes, his gaze kept flittering to the bold black numbers against his skin. He bit his lip and staved off the urge to text for as long as he could… but it was a two-hour lecture, and Taeil was only human.

 

So, as discreetly as he could, he took out his phone and added Taeyong’s number to his contacts. As he tapped in the digits and added Taeyong’s name to his contacts, he realised that he hadn’t gotten the boy’s last name. He glanced up and around, and no one had noticed his illicit cell phone use, so he held back a smile as he opened up his text message app.

 

**Me, 11.46 AM**

**Hey – never got your last name.**

 

The reply came almost instantly, and for a few moments Taeil entertained the idea that Taeyong had been waiting for his text.

 

**Taeyong, 11.46 AM**

**nd i nver got ur first name**

**name 4 a name? ;)**

 

**Me, 11.47 AM**

**My name is Taeil.**

 

**Taeyong, 11.47 AM**

**Cool :))))))))**

 

**Me, 11.47 AM**

**Hey, we had a deal! You have to tell me your last name!**

 

**Taeyong, 11.48 AM**

**ur cute~**

**last name is lee**

 

Taeil flushed at the text message. Even though messages without even the semblance of grammar, except for the punctuation used to create smiley faces, usually made him curl his lip, he couldn’t help but find the way Taeyong texted a bit endearing. He had also not been taking notes for several minutes, so he left Taeyong on read and put away his phone, determined not to touch it until classes were done for the day.

 

This time, he was actually successful in his endeavour, and had made it through his bio lecture, his exercise science lecture and his chem lecture before he (too) eagerly pulled out his phone and typed out a response with a silly smile on his face.

 

**Me, 2.29 PM**

**I am not cute!**

 

**Taeyong, 2.34 PM**

**um u totally r… sorry i don’t make the rulez**

 

Taeil grinned and pocketed his phone, in high spirits as he walked home. Well, it wasn’t really home, per se. He lived with his mum and his sister, two hours away from the uni. In his first year, he had done that commute everyday, that awful two hour train ride, surrounded by strangers jostling and pushing and touching him… after his breakdown and half-way through his deferral, he decided that he simply couldn’t live so far from campus… so he moved in with his dad, who lived a short nine minute walk from the main university campus. Neither taeil’s mum or sister approved of the move, considering what his dad was like… but Taeil was determined to become a doctor, and he needed to do this Pre-Med course if he ever wanted to achieve that goal.

 

He unlocked the front door once he reached his dad’s apartment. It was dark inside, the only light coming from the muted television. His dad was asleep on the couch, surrounded by beer bottles. Taeil sighed and padded over as quietly as he could. His dad had been delighted when Taeil asked to live with him; he had always sought more contact with his only son, the product of a one-night stand twenty something years ago. And he had been more than happy to give up the only bedroom and sleep on the couch, allowing Taeil his space to study.

 

His dad tried really hard… but only when he was sober. When he was drunk, it was a whole other story. Taeil stroked a finger over one of the three thin scars on the right-side of his face before sighing again. He pulled the blanket up over his dad and collected the beer bottles in his arms, placing them carefully in the recycling bin. He tiptoed to his bedroom, where he set down his bag and slipped out of his shoes. He pulled out his phone to find another text from Taeyong.

 

**Taeyong, 2.40 PM**

**gtg, ttyl**

 

Taeil shrugged and collapsed at his desk, pulling out his notes and laptop and planner, and setting about typing up his notes.

 

***

 

Taeil wasn’t a shallow person. Ask Doyoung, who had to deal with Taeil rambling about that very fact nearly every day of senior year. See, when Taeil was about seventeen he met and fell in love with a boy online, without ever having seen his face. When said boy, his name being Sicheng, was in South Korea for a family holiday, the two were able to meet up. Taeil _never_ expected him to be that cute and handsome. He was so shocked, because he was just… well, looking like he looked, while Sicheng looked like a model who part-timed as a Roman statue.

 

Sicheng ended up staying in Korea, and Doyoung (Taeil’s only friend besides his sister) teased him relentlessly about his sudden change in demeanor. Whereas before he only ever spoke about Sicheng’s talent and intelligence, how sweet he was and how cute and childish he could behave, after meeting in person all he could speak of were Sicheng’s amazing visuals. But it _wasn’t_ because he was shallow, see; he fell in love with Sicheng’s intellect and aegyo before he even knew the pretty curve of his cheeks and the elegant slope of his nose. It was just that Taeil was taken aback. He couldn't really handle people that were super pretty or handsome (which is why he used to say that Doyoung was his only friend, which always insulted the boy immensely (which was way Taeil said it)).

 

Eventually, inevitably, Taeil and Sicheng broke up. Taeil was too clingy and insecure, too much of mess who couldn’t even deal with himself, much less his oft-moody boyfriend. Taeil was twenty when they split; it still felt fresh, like a wound that had never been stitched up properly. He knew, unequivocally, that the break up was his fault. Sicheng wasn’t without his flaws, but it was Taeil’s issues that eventually made it unworkable.

 

Taeil sighed and checked the time; it was too early in the night to be thinking about this. So he stood up and tiptoed as quietly as he could out of his room and into the kitchen. He checked the living room on his way. His dad continued to sleep soundly, but there were two more empty beer bottles on the grubby coffee table, and another dangling from the loose circle of his fingertips. Taeil didn’t bother cleaning up the man’s mess this time. Instead he flicked the kitchen lights on, a small, masochistic part of him sort of hoping that they would wake his father, and set about making dinner.

 

He placed his phone on the counter and grabbed some instant ramen mix. He grabbed some other ingredients to spice up the otherwise plain meal and set to work. He was lazily stirring the ramen when his phone buzzed.

 

**Taeyong, 9.29 PM**

**wyd??**

 

**Me, 9.30 PM**

**Making dinner. You?**

 

**Taeyong, 9.30 PM**

**jus hangin out**

**late dinner huh**

**can i call u?**

 

Taeil blinked at his phone, wondering if he had read that correctly. He was just about to reply (although he had no idea how to do so) when the phone began buzzing insistently, Taeyong’s caller ID flashing on the screen. Taeil will admit, he panicked a bit.

 

“Wha--” he held the phone and stared at it, lost because what the hell was he supposed to do? This boy, Taeyong, he hadn’t even known him for a day. Wasn’t it a bit weird that he was acting like they were already close? Taeil was flattered, he really was, but he also knew that Taeyong probably expected… _something_ from him. He had discovered that that was the universal truth; everyone wants something from each other, that’s how relationships worked. But Taeil had nothing to give. Because Taeil was just… Taeil. In a split second decision, and with a pout of frustration, picked up.

 

“That took you long enough,” Taeyong said by way of greeting.

 

“Sorry,” Taeil said softly, holding the phone to his ear with one hand and stirring the ramen with the other. “Where are you? It’s so loud in the background.”

 

“Party,” Taeyong sighed, and it sounded like he would rather be anywhere else in the world. “I went out to the balcony. Just to… breathe.” Taeil nodded, because he got that; social situations that involved a lot of people got overwhelming for Taeil quickly.

 

“I get that,” Taeil whispered. He finished up with his dinner, leaving half in the pan for whenever his dad woke up to eat, and awkwardly pouring half ino a bowl, one-handed.

 

“Why are you whispering?” Taeyong asked. He was leaving weird pauses between his sentences, Taeil noticed. He exhaled deeply, and Taeil schooled in small smile into a frown of disapproval.

 

“My um--my roommate? Yeah, my roommate is sleeping,” he explained. Taeyong made a little noise of understanding, and Taeil grabbed some chopsticks and a can of Sprite, and waddled awkwardly back to his room, setting everything onto his desk before collapsing. “Are you smoking?” He accused, raising his voice a small amount, now that he was behind a closed door.

 

“Mmm, you’ve caught me,” Taeyong chuckled, and Taeil felt it in his chest. He could easily become addicted to that sound.

 

“I can’t believe you smoke,” Taeil said, stirring his noodles around aimlessly before pausing to eat some. “Do you know how bad it is for health?”

 

Taeyong scoffed. “I wouldn’t be doing it if I didn’t know. And don’t start with me; I’ve heard it all before. 80 percent of lung cancer sufferers are--”

 

“That’s not what I meant,” Taeil interrupted. “Do you know how dangerous second-hand smoke is? I don’t care about your self-destructive impulses, or whatever, but could you choose something that had even a slightly less devastating effect on the people and environment around you?” The other line was silent, and Taeil’s eyes widened as he realized how rude he had just been. “Oh my gosh, that was so rude of me, I-I barely know you and I shouldn’t have--”

 

Taeil’s rambling apology was cut short when Taeyong burst out into peels of warm laughter. Taeil could almost visualise the crinkle of his eyes, the way he would laugh with his whole body, probably. “I can’t seem to understand you,” Taeyong said, voice high-pitched and teasing. “I can usually tell exactly what kind of person someone is in the first ten minutes… but you’re a bit of a paradox, Moon Taeil.”

 

Taeil blushed and bit his lip bashfully. “How so?” He dared to ask, squeezing his eyes shut tight as he awaited Taeyong’s response.

 

“Hmm…” Taeyong said, taking his time as though he was giving genuine consideration to the question. “Well, you’re cute but you don’t seem to know it, you’re smart but you don’t talk down to me, you’re older than me but you act younger. One second you’re dissing me and telling me you don’t care about my health, so long as I’m not hurting those around me, and the next second you’re apologising so profusely it’s funny.”

 

“Hey--”

 

“I like you,” Taeyong said, that same lilting cheekiness in his voice, like everything to him was a joke. Taeil rolled his eyes.

 

“Sure you do.”

 

“Why would I lie?”

 

Taeil considered the question, and finished off his ramen. He stood up from his desk chair and wandered over to his bed. He looked down at his clothes, rumpled and slightly smelly (and though he wouldn’t admit it, there was a rather recent stain on his collar), and then looked at his comfy pyjamas. Carefully, he took his phone away from his ear and switched it to speaker phone.

 

“Everyone has an ulterior motive, no one says anything just because they want to. You expect something from me.” Taeil shrugged his top off, and then stepped out of his pants and briefs. Apparently, his rustling clothes were too loud.

 

“Holy shit, are you taking your clothes off? Oh my god, I would never have picked you for a pervert!”

 

“Wha-What!! No!!!” Taeil spluttered, hurriedly pulling on his sweatpants and oversized, slightly holey sleep shirt. “I was just getting into my PJs!”

 

“Uhuh, sure. Do you really find my voice that… _sexy_?” Taeyong dropped his pitch to a low, gravelly rumble, and Taeil felt his stomach drop to his feet.

 

“N-no!” Taeil squeaked, grabbing his phone maybe too aggressively and throwing himself onto his bed. He pursed his lips as he got comfortable under his blankets, and grouched at Taeyong for his loud, obnoxious laugh.

 

Taeil got settled in bed, and Taeyong finally stopped laughing his head off. Breathlessly, he asked, “where are you now?”

 

“In bed,” Taeil sighed. And then he yawned, which ended in a tiny, embarrassingly kitten-like squeak. “Getting sleepy,” he murmured.

 

“Oh my god,” Taeyong said softly, before cooing. “You’re so cute. I can’t believe you’re older than me.”

 

“Yah, brat,” Taeil grumbled, “I’m your hyung, you can’t treat me like this.”

 

“You’re my hyung?” Taeyong confirmed, sounding hopeful. Taeil couldn’t help the fond smile that spread over his face.

 

“Yeah. You’re still a brat though.” He could almost hear Taeyong’s smile in his next words.

 

“I should let you get to sleep then… hyung. But I take it back; I can’t believe you’re _only_ a year older than me. What kinda university student goes to bed at,” there was a pause. “10:49 at night?”

 

“This one,” Taeil mumbled sleepily. “Once you’ve been through a semester, you’ll understand the value of sleeping early over being out at parties late.” Not that Taeil had ever been invited to a party.

 

“It’s not like I want to be here,” Taeyong said, and Taeil was still awake enough to scoff.

 

“If you don’t wanna be there, leave?”

 

“Would if I could,” Taeyong groused. “I’m at home. This is my roommate’s party.”

 

“Ew,” Taeil said immediately, scrunching his nose up. “That sucks. I’m sorry.”

 

“Yeah, well. Let’s just hope it doesn’t happen often. Now I’ll really let you sleep. Good night hyung.”

 

Taeil smiled, snuggling closer to his pillow and letting his eyes close slowly. “Mmm, nu-night Taeyong.”

 

He heard a snigger down the other end, and Taeyong mumbled something that sounded suspiciously like “cute kitty” before the line went dead, and Taeil fell asleep almost instantly, not once realizing how unusual it was for him to spend over an hour talking to someone that wasn’t Doyoung or his sister, much less a near-complete stranger. The connection had been so easy and natural that Taeil wasn’t even able to process its abnormality.


	2. conjunction

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> occurs when two astronomical objects or spacecraft have either the same right ascension or the same ecliptic longitude.  
> "conjunctions between two bright objects close to the ecliptic, such as two bright planets, can be seen with the naked eye"

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> i continue to, belatedly, love moon taeil.

Doyoung had always pushed Taeil. He had always been the one to make Taeil take the risk, the leap, whether he wanted to or not. Ever since they had met way back when Taeil was seven and Doyoung was five, they had been doing everything together. The age difference had made some people look twice, and as they got into high school, had been a point of... contention, among Taeil's classmates. Taeil couldn't even blame them for it, really. He knew as well as they did that a sixteen-year-old being best friends with a fourteen-year-old is not normal.

 

Taeil had never been popular among his classmates, in the end. He had never attracted anyone to him aside from Sicheng; and that's because they met online, where the element of anonymity gave Taeil the confidence boost he needed to be in any way magnetic. His whole life, there were two constant friends; Doyoung, and Taeil's younger sister Jaehwa. Other than that, Taeil had always been alone.

 

"Get in, loser," Doyoung called in a poor approximation of Regina from Mean Girls. Taeil put his finger to his lips and shushed the younger man furiously. Doyoung was a smart kid, and had graduated high school a year early, and he claimed he only did this because without him there, Taeil surely would crash and burn, again. He lived on campus with a quiet Chinese guy called Kun, who he always referred to as ‘the cute one.’ Then again, Doyoung referred to every cute boy as ‘the cute one’.

 

"Doyoung," he hissed, "my dad is sleeping, please--" Doyoung shoved the passenger door open and hovered his hand over the horn, one eyebrow raised. The threat was clear. Taeil's eyes darted from the passenger seat to Doyoung's hand to the horn. "Fine." Doyoung did a quiet victory dance. "I hope you know I hate this thing by the way,” Taeil curled his lip, giving the flashy red convertible a distasteful once over. It was so gratuitously over the top, polluting, and worth more money than Taeil could fathom ever possessing. Beyond that, it was just so _cliché._ Taeil didn’t like clichés. Despite this, he got in the awful thing anyway, making faces at the white leather seats that screamed mid-life crisis. It was, after all, Doyoung’s dad’s car. Taeil had never met a man who dived so aggressively head first into the mid-life crisis, and even though it was kind of depressing, it was also really funny.

 

“I know,” Doyoung grinned at him. “And you know I do too. But I literally don’t have another option, my dad sold the Mazda.” Taeil patted his shoulder consolingly. _First world problems_. Doyoung pressed his foot to the accelerator, and they shot off into the night. “Anyway,” Doyoung said, “how’s your first two weeks back been?” Taeil made a soft noise of distress, wiggled his arms a bit in a helpless, noodle-y kind of way, and Doyoung nodded. “That bad, huh?”

 

Taeil gave a great sigh, doing a rather spot-on impression of a deflating bouncy castle as he sunk back into the appalling white leather. “Yeah,” he said. “It’s tough getting back into it. How about you? You must feel really young, surrounded by all these old people.”

 

“Are you kidding me!?” Doyoung whipped his head over to give Taeil a look of shock. Taeil gripped the edges of his seat.

 

“Eyes on the road,” he mumbled.

 

“Hyung, the _eye candy_ , my _god._ I’ve never been surrounded by so many young, handsome guys. It’s like I’m at a supermarket, or a strip club—”

 

“Okay, that’s enough. I’m glad you’re fitting right in.” Taeil tried to smile like he meant it, and he did, honestly, it was just… hard. Doyoung made friends so easily. He was a social butterfly, and it felt like a total fluke that he had ended up with a shut-in like Taeil as a best friend. Taeil envied him sometimes; the way he could take any situation in stride, no matter how bad, and somehow turn it to his favour. He probably already had a million new friends, while Taeil had spoken to one (1) person… and he hadn’t answered that person’s texts or calls since the day they met.

 

Taeil felt like shit, and it was all Taeyong’s fault. If Taeyong had never saved him that first day, Taeil wouldn’t have to feel like the scum of the earth for leaving the red-head on read for two weeks. “So,” Taeil started, trying to stop the guilt from clawing up his throat and suffocating him, “where are we going? Or rather, where are you forcing me to go after abducting me from my own home?”

 

Doyoung rolled his eyes. “And they call me dramatic,” he teased. “We’re going to a party, of course! If you want the true university experience, you can’t just stick to the academics. That’s probably why you flipped your shit last year and quit. You weren’t doing it right!”

 

“Hey, I resent that—”

 

“What’s the phrase, huh hyung? Huh, hyung?”

 

“Work hard, pl—”

 

“Work hard, play hard. That’s right. Listen to your dongsaeng, he’s never wrong.”

 

Taeil rolled his eyes. “Yeah, sure. Where are we even going for this supposed ‘party’?”

 

“You sound like you think I’m taking you to someplace creepy. Trust me, it’s just a normal party. Speaking of…”

 

Taeil heard it before he saw it. Jay Park thumped through the earth as though even nature could get down to the beat. After the sound, Taeil saw the strobing lights in the windows. Black, white, colours, with some sort of smoke machine obscuring the shapes of the people by the windows. The whole block was lit up, and Taeil wondered if there was anyone living there who really, really wanted to die right now. It was university housing, but still. Not every student wants to be kept up by deafening music and drunk idiots till three AM.

 

“You’re making the face,” Doyoung said, pulling up to the crowded curb. He smirked at the whistles he got; whether they were for him of the car was unclear. Possibly both, but certainly not for Taeil. Taeil wasn’t dressed for a party; his hair sat sadly on his forehead, unstyled, and he wore his chunky reading glasses, since Doyoung didn’t give him a chance to put in his contacts. Other than that, he was wearing a racy pair of mom jeans and a sloppy blue sweater. Doyoung, on the other hand, was wearing tight leather pants, sunglasses despite the fact that it was nine o’clock at night, and a weird, semi-see-through mesh tank top that made his nipple piercings very obvious (the piercings might make him look cool now, but Taeil was there when he got them done, holding his hand as he cried about how much it hurt).

 

“What face,” Taeil grumbled, dragging himself out of the car like it was the hardest thing he had ever had to do. “I’m not making a face.”

 

“No, you’re not making _a_ face, you’re making _the_ face.” Doyoung gave him a look over the top of his sunglasses.

 

“Now who’s making a face,” Taeil said, pointing an accusatory finger at his friend. Doyoung gave him a shit-eating grin, and then they were in the block. It seemed that the ground floor of the building was some kind of large common area. Couches had been pushed to the side, nearby tables of snacks that were obviously bulk bought from some unfortunate gas station, and tables of what seemed to be every kind of alcohol imaginable. Doyoung held up his red-labelled bottle of vodka.

 

“BYO,” he explained. Taeil raised his eyebrows, smiled, and nodded in a way that clearly said _yeah, good for you buddy._ But it wasn’t all that that had Taeil desperate to get back into Doyoung’s atrocious ride, it was the throngs of people. They were all stood too close together, yelling too loud, drinking too much, and just generally being too much for Taeil, who could be at home doing literally anything else right now. Doyoung grabbed his wrist, as if he could tell that Taeil’s fight or flight instinct was about to kick in, and it was kind of obvious which one Taeil would choose every time. Doyoung pushed him harder than anyone else; without Doyoung, Taeil was a coward, through and through. “Come on,” Doyoung said loudly into his ear, since that was the only way too be heard, “I’ll take you to meet the hosts.”

 

 ***

 

The hosts turned out to be one guy, or maybe Doyoung thought he was the only host important enough to introduce to Taeil. His name was Johnny, and Taeil thought he might have been stoned, if only a little bit. “I’m Taeil!!” He screamed over the music, which was now some American song, (Drake maybe?), only for Johnny to smile bigger, lean in closer, and cup his hand to his ear again. Johnny was really friendly, Taeil will give him that, but anyone crazy enough to organise this insane of a party was not Friend Material™ in Taeil’s books. “I’M TAEIL!” He screamed at the top of his lungs. Johnny’s lips went round, and Taeil thought he was probably making an _ohhhh_ sound, but he honest to goodness couldn’t hear shit unless it was screamed at simply unreasonable levels.

 

Johnny and Doyoung chatted a bit, poking fun at each other (at least that's what it seemed like) and joking around. Taeil hated the tinge of jealousy that tainted his smile. It wasn’t that he didn’t want Doyoung to have friends other than him; no, Doyoung had never been someone that Taeil coveted and kept to himself like some precious treasure. He was just jealous at how _easily_ this all seemed to come to him. Taeil would never even go to a party of his own volition, much less know enough people to be invited to one. And it wasn’t like Taeil wasn’t happy with how he was…

 

Well. Taeil had never been fond of lying. But it would be the truth to say that Taeil was comfortable. And sometimes, really, that's the best you can ask for. Taeil didn't think he'd ever be more than... okay. He was shaken from that depressing though with a bottle of peach soju being shoved into his hands. He looked up; Johnny gave him a massive smile, bigger than Taeil thoughts smiles were allowed to be, and mouthed  _chug_. Taeil raised the bottle to his lips; he was familiar with alcohol, he knew the curves of the bottle in his hand, knew the sweaty condensation as the heat from his hands caressed the cool liquid through colder glass. He put it to his lips and even the sting, the slightly medicinal taste, was familiar on his tongue. It had been months and months since he had touched a bottle of alcohol with the intention of drinking its contents.

 

Taeil knew that the alcohol had only helped his downward spiral last year, and he knew that he was genetically predisposed to alcoholism because of his dad... but he was two weeks in and he was doing okay, damnit, and he thought that maybe he fucking deserved this. Doyoung clapped Taeil on the back and shouted something like  _that's the spirit_ _!_ Taeil finished half the bottle in one go, heaving out a breath, that shaped his lips into a smile. Johnny smiled at him some more, then he leaned over to whisper something in Doyoung's ear. Doyoung's face morphed into the smarmiest thing Taeil had even seen, made even worse by the sunglasses that were now perched atop his head like a delicate crown, and nodded. Johnny took Taeil's hand and led him away.

 

Taeil continued to sip his drink as Johnny led him around the party, introducing him to guys and girls whose names he would never remember. He had two more bottles of soju in that time, as well as three shots of vodka that weren't from the bottle Doyoung brought. He was slightly beyond tipsy now, and the music didn't seem so loud anymore. Maybe he had gotten used to it? Ah, they must have turned it down. Who was the DJ again? Right, some kid called Jaehyun. Filling in for Johnny while the host flitted about, stealing sips from other people's bottles and putting random kids in headlocks. Ah, to be a host. Johnny kept a hold of Taeil's hand the whole time, and Taeil didn't try to remove it. It was comfortable, the warmth balancing the cold that his drinks had been progressively spreading up his arms, the icy liquid leaking into his veins and making its way to his heart. It was too late though; his heart was already cold. 

 

Eventually, Johnny seemed to have run out of people to introduce Taeil to. Obviously, that meant he needed to do something else with his lips. That's how Taeil ended up pressed against Johhny, leaning up and stood fully on his tiptoes as they made out against a shady wall. One of Taeil's hands was in Johnny's hair, tilting his face down for better access to his tongue. The other still tightly clutched the sweaty neck of a beer bottle. Johnny's hands were wandering from Taeil's hair to his hips to his ass. 

 

"Let's go to my room," Johnny whispered breathlessly against Taeil's mouth. Taeil nodded. It seemed like a good idea. He followed the taller man up and up, up however many flights of steps, and he giggled drunkenly when Johnny playfully shoved him into the room. It was a living area and three doors. Johnny pushed Taeil through the first, and then Taeil was on his back on the bed and Johnny's hands were stroking up his naked torso and Johnny's tongue was dipping lower and lower, and then Taeil's hands were in Johnny's hair again and he was gasping, arching and whining as he came into Johnny's mouth.

 

It all went so fast. It felt weird, kissing Johnny and tasting himself on the younger man's tongue. "Let me," Taeil murmured, switching their positions. He tugged Johnny's pants down and sat down in the man's lap, his firm ass, naked as the rest of him, against Johnny's hard-on, clothes by grey boxers. He moved his hips, sloppy and too fast, gasping as he stared down at Johnny, before he felt a wet patch against his ass. Johnny pulled him down by the back of his neck and kissed him again.

 

"You're so good," and he whispered it, and there was no music now, only the shadow of it still pulsing in his brain. Johnny fell asleep and Taeil pulled the covers up over him. Taeil sat on the edge of the bed, nude. How did this happen...? When did... Taeil's head felt fuzzy. It was too hot in here, and Taeil felt like he was falling, falling, and there was no alcohol to poor into his mind to keep him afloat anymore. Maybe that was a good thing. He pulled on his undies and his sweater, and padded out of Johnny's room. There was a balcony; Taeil hadn't noticed before. He also hadn't noticed how clean everything looked. He wouldn't have pegged Johnny for a clean freak. He wondered who the younger's roommate was. 

 

Taeil slipped the sliding door open quietly, stepping delicately outside. The muggy heat kept him from getting cold, even in spit of his lack of proper clothing, and the late hour. He walked up to the railing, slung his arms over. There was an ashtray, empty but smelling of smoke. Taeil didn't think Johnny smoked; he would have tasted it. So, apparently Johnny had some sort of absentee smoking clean freak for a roommate.

 

Taeil looked out at the view; the apartment wasn't too high up, although Taeil was still glad he wasn't afraid of heights. The surrounding city was bright but more quiet than usual. Taeil breathed in a lungful of air, and it didn't taste like alcohol or stale sweat.

 

"Hey." Taeil jumped out of his skin. He gave a girlish squeal, whipping around with wide eyes and a hand over his heart.

 

"Shit, you scared me half to-- Taeyong..."

 

The red-haired boy tipped his head to the side. He was wearing smoky makeup and lenses that made his eyes look grey. His hair was styled up and off his forehead. He gave Taeil and appraising one over. He raised his eyebrow. "Fancy seeing you here... Taeil." He stepped onto the balcony fully, closing the sliding door behind him. "I came out here to smoke," he said as he moved to stand beside Taeil. Taeil slowly turned back around, shame flooding his face and making him feel too hot. "Guess that won't be happening now then."

 

"You can smoke," Taeil said in a tiny voice. "It's fine."

 

Taeyong had messaged him everyday for a week before he had given up. His last text message had read  _fine. c u arnd then._ Taeil's chest hurt.

 

"You're a bit of a walking contradiction, you know that Moon Taeil?" Taeil looked away. "I don't  _get_ you."

 

"I'm sorry," he said, voice so small it was nearly swept away by the sounds of the city. 

 

"Did you sleep with him?" They both knew who he was talking about. Taeil shook his head. He pressed a hand to his cheek, to try and cool it down, but the coldness had fled his body. He was so warm.

 

"We just fooled around." Taeyong nodded. He took out a cigarette and a lighter that was decorated with pink Hello Kitties (it was cute). He lit it up and put it between his lips. He breathed in. He turned away when he breathed out. The smoke was carried away by the wind. It didn't bother Taeil. 

 

"You never replied to me." Taeil flinched away as Taeyong turned toward him more fully. Taeyong was taller than him, better build. The slits in his eyebrows and the cigarette between his teeth and the scars on his knuckles scared the shit out of Taeil and, like the drunken fuck he was, he cowered away. "Shit," Taeyong hissed. He stubbed out his cigarette without looking, taking a step towards Taeil awkwardly. "Hyung?" Taeil's arms were in front of his face, like he was trying to protect himself from a punch, and he held his body stiff. The blow never came, and then Taeil realized that Taeyong wasn't his father, and Taeil was the drunk one. He let out a sob and crumbled into a sad little crouch. Taeyong followed him down, a cold hand against his back burning through his sweater.

 

"I'm sorry," Taeil managed. He was just dry sobbing now, hiccuping breaths and chest aches but no tears. "I'm sorry I never texted back, I'm sorry you didn't deserve that... I'm so sorry. I'm such a mess." And he was. His chest hurt, he was hyperventilating, and he really couldn't understand why. Why was he feeling like this? How does he make it stop? How does he turn it off.

 

Taeyong grasped Taeil's chin, tugging his face up. He let his cold hands cup Taeil's warm, round cheeks. His thumbs stroked over two of the small scars on his face. "Your... 'roommate' hits you," he said. Taeil let out another sob, shaking his head desperately, but he couldn't breathe right now, much less speak. "Shhh," Taeyong wrapped the elder in he arms and pulled him against his chest. "Shhhh, Taeil, it's okay, I'm not angry. If anything, I'm just sad. After all, I told you I liked you and you lost my number."

 

Taeil let out a wet chuckle. "I'm sorry," he managed to croak. He was calming down now, alcohol escaping his system with every moment that he didn't pump more in. He felt slightly more clear-headed, enough to realize that he was half naked and getting cuddled by someone he... Well, Taeil didn't really know how he felt about Taeyong. Or maybe he did but was just... too scared to ever admit it to himself. He pulled away. "I just... I'm so stupid. I got scared that you wanted something from me, and I just..."

 

"Wanted something from you, like how Johnny wanted something from you?" Taeil looked away, nodding. His eyes were downcast, his fringe conveniently covering up their glassiness. 

 

"Yeah. And when I'm scared, I run away. I'm a coward." Taeyong sighed.

 

"Come on, up we come hyung." Taeyong stood up, offering Taeil both his hands with a small, genuine smile. He was so, so pretty. Taeil only stumbled a little bit. "You can sleep on my bed; I'll take the couch." He let Taeil's hands drop, only to step behind him and place his hands on the elder's slender hips. Taeil felt a rush of heat from his tummy to his cheeks as Taeyong directed him back inside and into his bedroom. Taeil collapsed on the bed, exhausted. 

 

"Thank you," he murmured, already shuffling his way under the covers, head snuggling into the pillows.

 

"S'okay," Taeyong said. "Night, Taeil. Also, hyung?"

 

"Mmm?"

 

"You have pretty legs."

 

"Yah!"


	3. aphelion

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> the farthest point from the sun in a planetary body's orbit.  
> "he is at his aphelion."

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> i love him mum

Taeil wakes up in a strange bed in a strange apartment. Of course, he knows exactly where he is the second that he's conscious, because all he could dream about was how fucking guilty he was about everything. He had felt like such an asshole, ignoring Taeyong after the younger boy had confessed that he liked Taeil. Taeil just... he didn't know how to handle it. He was scared; he was a coward. And then he went and did  _this._ Now Taeyong probably thinks he's a slut, who doesn’t deal in emotions or romance, just sex and one-night stands. And with his roommate no less. And then the whole goddamn flinching thing. Taeil hated himself before, but drunk Taeil is just... a million times worse. 

 

He hated himself so much.

 

He slapped around blindly for his phone, had a mini panic attack when he couldn't find it, only to remember that he had left it in his sweater pocket. With a whine of relief he tugged it out.  _1.12 PM._ Shit, he slept too long. It was only Saturday so it was okay, but he hated the groggy feeling that came with sleeping dead through the PM. He also discovered like... three thousand messages from Doyoung.

 

**Doyoung, 10.23 AM**

**dude that was a radical evening of funky fresh fun, how are you doing my man??**

 

**Doyoung, 10.49 AM**

**I'm so sorry that was the boy i took home**

**He's really hot but he's awful, i kind of hate him**

**Anyway, how are you?? I'm sorry i left you alone, i hope you got home okay???**

 

**Doyoung, 11.29 AM**

**Please answer me, are you okay?????**

**Hyung**

 

**Doyoung, 11.58 AM**

**Hyung hyung hyung hyung hyung**

 

**Doyoung, 12.01 PM**

**So i just called johnny hyung. PLS EXPLAIN WHY YOU ARE SLEEPING IN HIS APARTMENT???**

 

**Doyoung, 12.41 PM**

**Jesus christ wake up**

 

Taeil felt like his soul was leaving his body. He had called Johnny, which means Taeil couldn't just lie and say he got a cab home. He had to tell the truth. But... for now he left Doyoung on read and stood up. He felt a flush when he remembered that he wasn't wearing pants.  _You have pretty legs._ Taeil blushed bright red, almost as red as Taeyong's dumb hair. If he had any soul left, it had also just vacated his husk of a body. He was just about to check Taeyong's closet for some sweats he could borrow, since he definitely wasn't gonna make the same mistake again and wander out in just his underwear, when he suddenly heard voices outside the door.

 

"Do you think he's awake yet?"

 

"I don't know, he had a lot to drink last night."

 

"We should make sure he's okay... let's go in and check."

 

Taeil's eyes widened, his heart thundering in his chest, but before he could so much as squeak, the door was pushed open, and the boy who sucked his dick last night, and the boy who claimed he liked him, stood in the doorway and stared at Taeil. 

 

"U-um," Taeil said, tugging on the hem of his sweater to try and cover up at least  _some_ of his thighs. Man, what had happened to his modesty? It took him months to even take his shirt off in front of Sicheng. What has he become?

 

The boys blinked at him. Johnny was very obviously checking him out, staring at his thighs (Taeil hadn't noticed till now, but Johnny had left hickies on his thighs. So embarrassing), while Taeyong was very pointedly only looking at the eldest's face. 

 

"I'm gonna go get you some pants," Taeyong announced, before turning away and stomping out. Somehow, his footsteps sounded panicked. 

 

"J-Johnny--" Taeil didn't know what he was gonna say. Probably he would have said something cheesy and cliché about how last night was a mistake, even though he hated cliché things. But it  _was_ a mistake. A stupid, drunken mistake that was probably hurting Taeyong a lot more than the younger was letting on. Before he had a chance to say anything, Johnny spoke up.

 

"Hyung, um, can I call you hyung? Anyway hyung, I liked last night a lot. I wanted to know if you'd go on a date with me tomorrow?" Johnny looked so earnest, so hopeful. Taeil could feel his stomach twisting around, heart thumping in his throat. Heat was closing in and he felt strangled, he felt trapped, how could he possibly say no now? Johnny didn't just see him as a drunk fuck, he actually wanted to date him. Shit, shit, fuck.

 

"U-Um, Johnny, that's, uh--um, I mean, of course. I'd... like that."

 

Oh God no, what had he done? Why did he say that!? Johnny's eyes had instantly lit up, a big happy smiling on his lips as he stepped forward and gave Taeil a gentle kiss to the corner of his mouth. "Thank you hyung!" He enveloped the smaller boy in a bear hug. Over his shoulder, Taeil watched with wide, desperate eyes as Taeyong re-entered the room, holding Taeil's jeans. They stared at each other. Johnny was talking excitedly about places they could go, and all Taeil could do was watch Taeyong as the younger boy sighed and walked away.

 

Taeil had never felt so guilty in his life.

 

***

 

**Me, 2.07 PM**

**Hey Doyoung. I'm going home now. Sorry for not texting.**

 

**Doyoung, 2.07 PM**

**Jesus hyung, finally**

**You still havent told me why you were at johnny hyung's place overnight???**

 

**Me, 2.15 PM**

**Well we got drunk and messed around. We have a date together tomorrow.**

 

**Doyoung, 2.15 PM** **  
**TAEIL HYUNG WHAT THE FUC K****

 

Taeil wanted to throw up. He felt sick to his stomach. Apparently, Johnny didn't have a licence, so Taeil was being driven home by Taeyong. They sat in the front seats, radio tuned to some hip-hop station, not speaking a word to each other. Taeil's legs jiggled impulsively. He felt like he was three seconds away from a full-blown panic attack. He was sweaty but cold, and his heart beat so hard it hurt. When Taeyong spoke, Taeil threw up in his mouth a tiny bit.

 

"So… how's the hangover?"

 

Taeil couldn't answer. He couldn't speak. He was trapped in his own head, so terrified he couldn't even open his mouth. 

 

"Hyung?" Taeyong's eyes darted off the road to glance at Taeil. "Hyung? What's wrong?" Silent tears were streaming down Taeil's face. He couldn't breathe, everything was descending into panic, and he could open his mouth now but only to bring in short, shallow breathes. "Shit, hyung." 

 

Taeyong pulled over to the curb, putting the car in park before undoing his seat belt and throwing himself across Taeil to undo his too. Taeil was hyperventilating now, his eyes glossed over in terror. He couldn't register anything but his own deafening thoughts, screaming at him about how badly he'd fucked up. He was just like his dad, he was just a stupid drunk, an alcoholic, blaming all his mistakes on the alcohol. He was a coward, a dishonest asshole, an awful friend and just a bad person. He should never have come back to uni, he should have just  _done it right_ when he tried to kill himself last year, was he really so useless that he couldn't even do that without fucking it up?

 

"HYUNG!" The sudden shout made Taeil blink and heave in air. "Breathe Taeil, please! Just breath!"

 

And then Taeil wasn't panicking anymore, but sobbing. He clung onto Taeyong and cried, cried so hard it ached, until it felt like there was nothing left inside him. He didn't know how long they sat there on the side of the road like that, but when Taeil eventually calmed down, it felt like a lifetime had passed. 

 

"Hyung...? Are you feeling better now?" Taeyong sat back in his own seat and Taeil dropped the death grip he had on the boy's shirt. He sniffled, staring at the ground.

 

"That was embarrassing," he whispered, voice croaky. Taeyong's eyebrows turned upward. He looked sad and exasperated at the same time, and it was pretty reminiscent of how Taeil's mum, sister, ex-boyfriend and best friend had looked at him so many times over the years.

 

"It's not embarrassing, hyung... I just want to make sure you're okay. Just... just because you don't feel the same way I do, doesn't mean we can't still be friends, right?" Taeil gave a tiny nod. "And because we're friends, I care about you. So, what's up? I'm pretty sure you just had a panic attack, and I don't think it was because I asked about your hangover.

 

Taeil swallowed and finally looked up, meeting Taeyong's eyes. "I'm just... sorry about everything." He didn't know what else to say.

 

Taeyong was looking at him like he was the saddest little person in the world again, and Taeil couldn't have been more grateful when Taeyong just sighed and started the car again.

 

Taeil's thoughts remained deafening.

 

***

 

There was yelling coming from Taeil’s house. Taeyong parked in front, and swivelled his concerned gaze from the house to Taeil, whose eyes had widened. His cheeks were already red, either from the stress of hyperventilating or the embarrassment and shame of making such a fool of himself in front of Taeyong, but now they were flooded scarlet. There was a crash from the house, the sound of something shattering, and Taeil heard his dad yell _fuck you, whore._

 

“A-actually,” Taeil burst out, his voice sounding scratchy and too loud in Taeyong’s small car, “do you know where Doyoung lives?” Taeyong stared at Taeil. The elder could see all the pity in his eyes as Taeyong glanced back at the house before nodding. He started up the car again and they drove in silence to Doyoung’s huge house.

 

**Me, 2.29 PM**

**Please meet me outside your house.**

Taeyong pulled up, and a concerned looking Doyoung jogged up to his car. Doyoung opened Taeil’s side door and dragged his hyung out, forcing him into a quickly reciprocated hug. Taeil wasn’t sure how Doyoung knew that he needed the comfort; he just knew. The driver-side door opened and closed and Taeil felt Taeyong’s gaze on his back.

 

“Can I sleepover tonight…? Taeil sniffled, pulling away from the taller boy and wiping his eyes.

 

“Of course you can, you know you’re always welcome…" Doyoung placed his hands on Taeil’s shoulders, tilting his head to try and get the older to look him in the eye. “But… are you sure…? Won’t he get you in trouble… for not coming home two nights in a row?”

 

Taeil looked away and shrugged. Doyoung sighed. “Taeyong,” he said, looking over the top of his friend’s head. “Thank you for getting him here safely.” Taeyong gave an awkward nod and watched as Doyoung wrapped an arm around his hyung’s shoulders and led him toward the house. The corner of Taeyong’s mouth quirked up when Taeil quickly turned around to give Taeyong a small wave and a tiny, wobbly smile. But as soon as they were inside the house, all Taeyong could do was frown. He climbed back into his car and began driving home.

 

Taeil was… some kind of enigma. He seemed to be full of opposing ideals. He had seemed so into Taeyong the day they met; eager and cute and sweet, and adorably shy when they were texting and calling afterwards. That was what Taeyong liked; cute shy boys to corrupt. So maybe it was fair enough that Taeil stopped texting and calling him; maybe he realized that Taeyong was nothing but trouble. But the weird thing was, Taeyong hadn’t been able to stop thinking about him. If it was anyone else, Taeyong would have given up. But there was _something_ about Taeil. What, he wasn’t sure. But he wanted to know him.

 

Taeil wasn’t just someone Taeyong wanted to ruin, to corrupt. He was never gonna be a quickie in the bathroom or a three-night stand. Taeyong was intrigued by this boy, who seemed so shy yet so confident, so sweet, yet so cruel.

 

Taeyong heaved out a sigh. He wanted to know everything about Taeil, wanted to know why he flinched and why his house seemed like a nightmare, wanted to know how he could reject Taeyong then sleep with his roommate, wanted to know how those lips would feel against his and how those milky thighs would taste.

 

Lee Taeyong wanted Moon Taeil; he wanted his best friend’s boy. _Shit._  

 

 


	4. gravity

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> the force that attracts a body towards the centre of the earth, or towards any other physical body having mass.  
> "caught in his gravity"

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I ACCIDENTALLY POSTED THIS BEFORE IT WAS FINISHED AND I'VE NEVER PANICKED SO HARD I SWEAR  
> n e ways i love moon taeil

"Hey man, have a kickass date."

 

"Um... thanks, Jaehyun. Get home safe." Taeil frowned at his friend's latest fuck buddy. He was cute, he guessed, but a bit young and immature in his opinion. The second the dude left, Taeil turned to Doyoung with a raised eyebrow.

 

"Oh, come on," Doyoung rolled his eyes. "It's not like I'm in love with him. He just so happens to be excellent in bed." Taeil shrugged, then turned to look at his outfit. He and Doyoung were a similar size in every way but height, so he was wearing one of Doyoung's too-small leather jackets that he meant to toss over a ripped-up T-shit, with black jeans folded up several times down the bottom. He looked way too much like Doyoung, but when the younger tried to hand him a pair of sunglasses to complete the look, Taeil karate chopped them out of his hand faster than Doyoung could blink. 

 

"I just thought you were into Kun, I guess." Now it was Doyoung's turn to shrug. 

 

"Sleeping with my roommate would be awkward, considering we live together on weekdays. Plus, I think he has a girlfriend."

 

"Ew, he's het?" Taeil joked lightly.

 

It was fair to say that Taeil was feeling better. After a night curled up on Doyoung's luxury couch, eating ice cream from the tub and watching horror movies back to back, he felt like this date with Johnny might not end so badly after all. After all, who's to say that he isn't meant to end up with Johnny? They could be super compatible, in a non-drunk, non-sex way. "Fuck off." Doyoung gave Taeil's ass a swift smack, grinning at the squeak his best friend let out, "and have a good date."

 

"Thanks, I guess," Taeil responded softly. He was going to give Johnny a chance. 

 

***

 

They were at a cafe, for brunch. Johnny had given him a closed-mouth kiss when they greeted each other, and asked if he was hungry, and then paid no attention to him whatsoever for the rest of date. He spoke to everyone; other customers, the waiters, the people working in the kitchen. Johnny was... outrageously friendly, and Taeil tried to act like he found it endearing, how Johnny's attention would bounce from his menu to a potted plant to a customer sneezing to a picture of a cat his friend texted him.

 

Taeil tried not to be upset, or bored. He didn’t want to come across as needy and moody and generally awful. What if Johnny was his  _the one_? Just because he felt a tiny bit like part of the wallpaper on the first date, didn’t mean he always would. He also still felt incredibly guilty about what had gone down with Taeyong and felt like if he broke it off with Johnny too soon then maybe he would look like an actual slut who just wanted a one night stand. And that's not who Taeil is. He wanted to prove that, and like he said, he wanted to give Johnny a chance.

 

Taeil had long finished his French toast by the time Johnny suggested going on a walk.

 

 _Finally,_ Taeil thought to himself,  _I'll get some attention from my date._

 

It seemed somehow inevitable when Johnny got a call and had to 'leave immediately'. He was picked up by someone in a massive old ute, and then he was gone, leaving Taeil in a place he was unfamiliar with. The boy swallowed. He felt something like tears pricking at his eyes, but he angrily sucked them back up inside, to bottle up along with all his other black emotions. No crying on the first date just because you feel like you could easily have been replaced with an inflatable doll and your date wouldn't even notice. 

 

**Me, 2.19 PM**

**Hey Doyoung. Would you be able to pick me up?**

 

**Doyoung, 2.21 PM**

**Sorry hyung, dads got the car today**

 

**Doyoung, 2.21 PM**

**How was ur date???????**

 

**Me, 2.28 PM**

**It was good. Johnny's very friendly. I'll just catch the bus, thanks Youngie.**

 

Taeil pocketed his phone and ignored its incessant buzzing afterwards. He knew Doyoung wanted details, but Taeil just didn't want to give them. He had more pressing matters right now. He had to go home. That thought alone scared him more than any horror movie could. He swallowed and walked to the nearest bus stop. His legs bounced nervously on the bus, and he felt jelly-boned as he was walking up to his dad's front door. He got out his keys, then thought better. He knocked. Quiet. With a sigh of relief, he unlocked the door, and tiptoed inside. It was dark as usual; all the curtains drawn to give the small area a gloomy, musty feeling. It smelt like stale beer, and Taeil noticed a new stain on the carpet. Toeing his shoes off carefully, he set them neatly by the front door and went to investigate. His dad wasn't on the couch, but there was a veritable fuck tonne of drinking paraphernalia. He either drank himself into a coma and is now in hospital, or he had some company over.

 

Taeil sighs, grateful either way that the house is empty. It was so embarrassing, having Taeyong hear his dad's drunken ranting last night. As if Taeyong didn't hate him before... Taeil stepped around the fresher looking stains, picking his way through to his bedroom; blessedly empty. He heaved another sigh. Collapsing into his desk chair, he grabbed his laptop, and started catching up on his notes.

 

It was nearly 10 PM when Taeil heard the sound of the front door opening. He paused his typing. His dad was laughing, and it wasn't the awkward one he did when he made a shitty joke. It was his drunk laugh. Taeil shrunk into his chair. Then he heard another voice; a woman. No... several women. There was lots of giggling and sexual noises, and Taeil felt himself shudder in disgust. He went to grab his earphones, fully expecting his dad to continue...  _entertaining_  his guests in the living room. It wouldn't be the first time he had brought home partners. But Taeil was wrong, this time.

 

He realized that as soon as his door was thrown open with such force that it slammed against the wall, the sound reverberating through the small room. Taeil scrambled out of his chair in fear, eyes wide. He pressed himself to the wall, trying to look small. His father was standing in the doorway, a petite woman clinging to his side, and another stood behind him. 

 

"Oh, look who decided to fucking  _come home_." His dad grinned, but his voice came out as an ugly snarl. "I was just telling the girls here how I could fuck them on your bed, since you decided your old dad isn't worthy of your fucking  _company."_

 

Taeil's sweaty hands clutched the bottom of his shirt. He realized he was still in Doyoung's clothes, and now it looked like he'd been out partying the whole weekend. "D-Dad, it's not like that, I was just with Doyoung--"

 

"Do you think I give a FUCK?" He roared. The girls with him shrunk back a little. Taeil quivered in the corner. 

 

"Look at this pathetic thing," the man went on, gesturing wildly. He had this dangerous light in his eyes, and the women with him seemed to have realized their mistake in trusting his good looks. "nineteen years old and still a little fucking  _bitch._ Come here." Taeil didn't move. "I said,  _COME HERE!"_ He screamed, spittle flying from his mouth. The girl on his arm tried to get away, only for him to tighten his grip on her small waist. "No, you're staying." And then his dad disappeared, and when he came back, the women were gone. Taeil wrapped his arms around himself. He hoped his dad hadn't done anything to those poor women. They didn't deserve this, Taeil was sure they didn't. 

 

Taeil's father had the neck of a sweaty beer clutched in his hand now. He took a swig, most of it spilling down his chin and onto his shirt. 

 

"Dad," he started out meekly, "I-I am so sorry for not coming home... I should have messaged that--"

 

Taeil held back a scream as his dad darted forward, gripping him by the throat.

 

"I don't have to let you live here," his dad said, quiet, controlled. His face was incredibly close to Taeil's, and Taeil could smell the poisonous cocktail of alcohol on the man's breath. "I'm doing you and your skank whore of a mother a favour by letting you stay here. And this is how you repay me? You're just like your fucking mother." Taeil whimpered, infuriated by his dad’s words. He tried to swallow, but the hand on his throat made it difficult. So in a fit of foolish confidence, he shoved his drunk father back, letting him stumble away and slosh beer onto the carpet.

 

"D-don't touch me," Taeil hissed. "And don't call my mother those things. At least she raised me. You're just... a pathetic, drunk excuse for a father!"

 

Big mistake.

 

***

 

Taeyong's phone rang. It was a bit late for a phone call, and Taeyong was more than ready to hit decline, until he saw the caller ID. Moon Taeil. He remembered their first and only conversation on the phone, when Taeyong realized how genuinely interested in Taeil he was. He remembered how stupid he felt after confessing that he liked the elder, only to be left on read for weeks. He thought about the fact that Taeil and Johnny had gone on their date today. He hit decline. 

 

**Me, 11.55 PM**

**hey, sry cnt talk rn. wassup??**

 

**Taeil, 11.55 PM**

**taeyung cab you come pick me up**

 

**Me, 11.556 PM**

**hyung r u ok??? u usually txt so formal**

 

Taeyong stared at Taeil's text with concern, and when his phone started ringing again, he picked it up straight away. "Hyung?"

 

"T-Taeyong... could you please come pick me up? I can't be at home right now." Taeyong remembered trying to drop the elder off the other night, hearing the horrible yelling at his house. 

  

"Okay. I'm not home so... I'll be little while."

 

"Thank you," Taeil replied in a tiny, hurt voice. Taeyong felt his heart pang before he hung up. He rolled out of Ten's bed, finding his friend in the kitchen buck-ass naked and drinking a full carton of milk. 

 

"Hey Ten," he said, pulling on his pants. The younger put down the milk and pouted at Taeyong.

 

"Leaving already baby? I wanted to cuddle after you fucked me that hard~" Taeyong sighed and rolled his eyes.

 

"I've fucked you harder. Anyway, I got a call. I have to go."

 

Ten's eyes sparkled as he strode up to Taeyong. His small, nude body looked delicate and vulnerable as he pressed himself to Taeyong's clothed self. "This wouldn't happen to be about the boy your pining after, would it?"

 

"W-what? What are you even on about man..."

 

"Look sweetheart, I know when the man fucking me is wishing he was fucking someone else. I mean it doesn't  _feel_ great, emotionally speaking, but it means you fuck me with more passion so in--" Taeyong grabbed the man by his narrow shoulders, pushing him back.

 

"Okay Ten. You're a good lay, but I really do have to go now." He gave the younger a quick peck to his once-more pouty lips, before grabbing his coat and rushing out of the apartment. 

 

Ten put his hands on his hips, lips pursed. "I really was looking forward to cuddling."

 

***

 

Taeil was shaking. He wrapped his arms around himself, too numb with shock to think about the blood he was getting all other Doyoung’s clothes. He would get them clean before returning them. He could hear the sounds of sex coming from his house, and he curled into himself more. Where was Taeyong...? It was another ten minutes before Taeil saw the younger's car. Taeyong pulled up, and Taeil wasted no time in throwing open the passenger side door and climbing into the car. 

 

"Hyung, wha--"

 

"Please just drive. Anywhere, please just... get me away from here."

 

"Okay."

 

Taeil pressed himself up against the cool window, staring out at the twilight landscape. The car was quiet; no music, no chatter. Taeil was blank to the world, mind cleared of everything. But his hands gave him away, still shaking. After an hour of just cruising around, Taeyong pulled into his building's parking lot. He leaned back with a sigh and glanced at Taeil. The older boy's face was slack and pale, eyes wide and glassy. Taeyong had never seen the boy look so... emotionless. And then he noticed something out of the corner of his eye; red. "Taeil, what..." Slowly, tense with fear, Taeyong reached out toward Taeil's blood stained hands, before he gently turned them over. He registered Taeil's flinch, but he didn't let go. Blood was flowing from several wounds in Taeil's palms. There was a piece of glass lodged in the fleshy part below his thumb. "Fuck, hyung! We need to go to the hospital--"

 

"No," Taeil said, and his voice was shaky and weak. He turned his face towards Taeyong with a wobbly little smile, and that's when Taeyong noticed the bruise under his eye, and the one on his jaw. "Can you just... patch me up please...?" 

 

Taeyong wanted to say no, he wanted to say that there was no way in hell that he was gonna do this himself. Taeil needed  _stitches_  for god's sake, but... something told Taeyong that the best thing he could do for Taeil right now, was help him, and listen to him. So he got out of the car, and helped Taeil get out too, an arm around his waist. Taeil was slow in a way that told Taeyong there were more wounds he couldn't see. "Taeil... hyung, what happened."

 

"Fight with my roommate," he explained quietly. Taeyong remembered the way Taeil flinched and cowered away, like he thought he would get hit when Taeyong raised his arm. 

 

"Looks kinda one-sided," he commented, trying to sound casual about it. 

 

"You should see the other guy," Taeil replied meekly. Once they were in Taeyong and Johnny's place, Taeyong took the boy to the only room he hadn't been in yet. He sat the elder down on the closed toilet seat, grabbing the first aid kit before kneeling in front of Taeil. 

 

"Can you show me your hands, hyung?" Taeyong asked gently. Slowly, Taeil turned his hands over, showing the younger his bloody, messy palms. Taeyong took the disinfectant from the kit and wet down some pads. He took hold of one of Taeil's hands, the one without glass still in it, and began tenderly dabbing at the small cuts. Taeil's face crumpled in pain, and he let out tiny little whimpers that made Taeyong feel like the worst person in the world. "I'm sorry hyung... bear the pain a little longer okay?" He looked up, meeting Taeil's tearful eyes. His lips pulled up in what he hoped was a comforting smile, waiting until Taeil took a deep breath and gave him a hesitant smile back.

 

"Okay," he whispered. 

 

It took half an hour of disinfecting, of gently removing the glass from Taeil's palm, and bandaging his hands up before Taeyong could move on to the elder's bruises. "Is it bad?" Taeil asked softly.

 

"Mm, I've seen worse," he joked kindly. "Are you hurt anywhere else?" Taeil shook his head. 

 

"Nothing serious."

 

"... Alright hyung. It's late, do you wanna take my bed? Or I mean... I guess you could sleep with Johnny." Taeil started shaking his head so fast it was almost funny. Key word being almost.

 

"N-no, that's--! That's no. I'll just... take the couch." 

 

"Hyung really, you can sleep in my bed." Taeil shook his head more, his eyes earnest and wide. The bruises that should have made him look tough and scary just made him look tiny and vulnerable and hurt, and all Taeyong wanted to do was protect him. "Seriously hyung. I insist." And that's how Taeil ended up in a pair of Taeyong's sweats and one of Johnny's huge sweaters, sleeping in Taeyong's bed for the second time. 

 

***

 

"What happened to your hands?" Johnny asked the next morning when he found Taeyong rewrapping his bandages on the couch. He leapt to action, one hand on Taeil's shoulder and the other grabbing his hand. His eyes were wide and he looked... genuinely concerned, as he gazed at Taeil, waiting for an answer. Having Johnny's full attention... it felt good. He actually felt himself blush, and he had to look away. 

 

"I, um... fell over. There was glass on the path... after our date yesterday."

 

"Oh my god," Johnny despaired, "I should never have gone to help Hyuckie with his homework..."  _Hyuckie?_ Taeil knew that he had not known Johnny long enough to know his life, but he felt certain he had never mentioned this Hyuckie when he bailed on their date. 

 

"His brother," Taeyong supplied helpfully. 

 

"Ohhh," Taeil let out, "how old is he?"

 

Johnny smiled, clearly smitten. "Donghyuck just fifteen, but he’s so smart," he sighed happily, eyes dreamy. "He's the cutest little kid in the world. Do you have siblings?" Taeil grinned, eyes going far away just like Johnny's as he told them about his younger sister.

 

"What about you, Taeyong?" Taeyong blinked, glancing up from his phone. He turned it off quickly and shrugged.

 

"Nah. Only child."

 

"That must have been lonely," Taeil said sympathetically. "By the way, could you finish wrapping my hands...? It's just, I have class in an hour... and I um, I need to go home and get dressed first." He bit his lip. He would never say it aloud, but he was fucking scared to go home. Maybe even terrified. The fact was that his dad usually wasn't home, and if he was, he was generally unconscious, and if he  _wasn't_ drunkenly passed out, he was usually nursing a heavy hangover and his '9 o'clock whiskey'. But he had also never been as... violent, as he had been last night. Thinking about those women he had with him... Taeil paled at the memory. But... there's no way his dad did something  _really_ bad. He wasn't... he wasn't a bad person. Really, honestly. So he swallowed down his needless fear and put on a smile. Taeyong was looking at him with concern. 

 

"I could... go get some clothes for you, if--"

 

"No, no it's fine! I'm sure I'm not..." he glanced at Johnny. "I'm not sexiled anymore."

 

"Ohhh, so that's why you're here!" Taeil smiled and nodded, glad Johnny fell for his lie. Johnny gave his hair a bit of fluffing. "Next time, wake me up yeah? What good is a boyfriend if you can't use him for cuddles, huh?"

 

Taeil froze at the word boyfriend. He felt like there was something stuck in his throat. Even if he didn't... what would he say? Would he say it's too early for that? Would he break it off right here and now before it could go too far? Would he  _agree?_ In the end... he just let out an uncomfortable laugh, and Johnny left to go have breakfast anyway. Well. Taeil guessed he was officially Johnny's boyfriend now. He jolted when he felt hands on his again, and looked up to meet Taeyong's cold eyes. He had never seen that cold look directed at him before, and it made him feel fucking  _icy._ "You're done. I'll drive you home."

 

They didn't speak in the car, and before Taeil knew it he was right back in front of the door, dreading opening it. He didn't notice the way Taeyong idled on the curb until Taeil got the courage to open the door and step in. He was met with the brutish smell of too much liquor, and the subtler, but much more disgust-inducing scent of vomit. And then his father, all six, handsome feet of him, was wrapped around him like a huge, hungover koala.

 

"Shit, Taeil, I am  _so_ sorry. I don't even  _remember_ what happened last night, but if it was bad enough that you had to sleep at Doyoung's  _again--_  wait, what happened to your face? And your hands?? Taeil, did someone hit you!?"

 

Taeil kept his face carefully blank. This was always the worse part. The fact that his dad never remembered a single fucking thing after he sobered up. "I fell," he managed to say, his voice a strained whisper, before he pushed past his bewildered father and into his bedroom. He tried to ignore the way all his written notes were sprawled over the ground, the way his lamp was broken or the new stains on his carpet and bed. He changed as fast as he could and stuffed Taeyong and Doyoung's clothing into a bag, before grabbing his laptop and rushing away. His dad was too busy drinking coffee to see him off. Small blessings. 

 

***

 

Taeil spent a lot more time at Johnny's place after that. Nothing against his dad... he just didn't feel super safe over there. And... it was somehow life-affirming,  _self-_ affirming to know he had someone, even someone who was... distracted easily. Taeil was kind of ashamed to admit that when he was at Johnny's place, he honest-to-god spent more time talking to Taeyong than to his actual boyfriend. Taeil and Johnny's dates were all much like their first one; not really a date, but more like Johnny going out and bringing an accessory. 

 

Okay wait, that was mean. Johnny was nice. Great, even. When he was actually paying attention to Taeil. So... mostly during sex. Yes, yes Taeil and Johnny had fucked. Several times at this point. It was the best part about dating Johnny, because he was an incredibly attentive lover in bed. Regardless of what position they were in, or how close Johnny was to release, he would also focus on getting Taeil off first, and praising him so sweetly. Every time he finished, he would get up and throw away the condom, come back to bed and wrap himself around Taeil, front pressed to the smaller boy's back. He would bury his face in Taeil's hair and sigh out  _you are so good. So good._

 

But no matter how sweet and tender Johnny was in those moments, Taeil would always end up unable to sleep in his boyfriend's arms, and would find himself in an oversized hoodie on the couch. Sometimes he'd wake up with an extra blanket, and hugging one of Taeyong's plushes. Taeyong sometimes got home really late, and would often attend to his tiny little hyung, all curled up on the couch but shivering like a leaf, lips pouting even in his sleep. 

 

***

 

In Taeyong's perspective, it was fucking hard to get over someone when they were always around, and being ridiculously cute or funny as though he was being  _paid_ to fuck with Taeyong's emotions. And look, Taeyong had seen Johnny in a relationship before. Taeyong loved the guy, but he always managed to treat all his lovers the same way; like an object. There was no give or take or anything like that. It was just... what Johnny wants, Johnny gets. Even if what the man wants might well be the love of Taeyong's life.

 

Okay, maybe that was a bit dramatic. But when Taeyong gets home late, with new bruises on his knuckles or hickies on his neck, and sees Taeil in  _his_ sweatshirt (sometimes Taeyong and Johnny's washing gets mixed up, and it's not like Taeil knows whose is whose) and sleeping on the couch, cuddling a pillow, Taeyong can't fucking help but ask himself what the hell he's doing. Because he likes Taeil in a way he's never liked someone before, and he's watching the man get abused and mistreated on all fronts, and all he can fucking do is patch the boy up after the next blow. 

 

Which so happens to be two months after Taeil and Johnny started dating ( _no_ , Taeyong is not keeping track, he swears). It's when he unlocks the door to his apartment, to the sounds of quiet sobbing. He sees Taeil, back turned to him and out on the balcony. Taeyong feels his heart clench. He wonders who hurt his hyung this time. Johnny again? Or maybe his fucker of a roommate? Or that mean professor in pre-med that just won't give Taeil a break? After a couple minutes of listening to the boy he capital L Loves cry, he decides he's had enough.

 

Taeil jumped and flinched away when Taeyong put his hand on the boy's shoulder, and Taeyong cursed inwardly. Taeil always freaks out at sudden touches, and yet... Taeyong is an asshole. "Sorry," he apologised quickly. Taeil turned to him wide, watery eyes. The elder hurriedly wipes at his cheeks, trying to act like he wasn't just crying his heart out. 

 

"Y-Yongie," the nickname makes Taeyong unbearable soft. "I, um, just wanted some fresh air, so..."

 

"Hyung... what happened?" Taeil smiled an ugly, self-deprecating smile. 

 

"Oh, n-nothing important. Just, you know... m-my own boyfriend cancelled on our plans just to go skateboarding with Jung fucking Jaehyun. Just, the usual." Taeyong frowned, because Johnny pulls that shit a lot, and it usually doesn't result in Taeil sobbing on their balcony at three in the afternoon. But when Taeil elaborated, Taeyong realized exactly why Taeil was so upset. "I-I don't think he remembered that it was my b-birthday today..."

 

And shit. What the fuck. Even Taeyong knew that; he had given Taeil a new baby blue sweater yesterday because he thought he wouldn't see him today. When Taeyong checked, Taeil was actually wearing said sweater, which made Taeyong feel warm. But the point was still thus; after two months together, Johnny had forgotten all about Taeil's birthday, and cancelled their date to hang with his fuckboy friend. 

 

God, Johnny was a fucking ass. And Taeyong didn't know what else to do but pull Taeil into a tight hug. Taeil was so small, swimming in the oversized sweater Taeyong gave him (Taeyong knew how much Taeil loved clothing that was way too big for him) sniffling as he pressed his face into Taeyong's neck. "I'm sorry Yongie," he mumbled. "I'm such an asshole..."

 

"What!" Taeyong pushed Taeil back gently. "How are  _you_ the asshole here?"

 

"B-because I take advantage of you being so nice all the time... l-like this b-b-beautiful s-s-s-sweater!" Taeil wailed, and Taeyong was mildly alarmed by how loud he was being. 

 

"Hyung, seriously... it's no biggie. You're my friend. I would do the same for any of my friends," he lied.

 

He mentally checked through his friends. If he found Johnny crying, he'd probably just smack him upside the head and tell him to shut the fuck up. If it was Ten, he would ask him what he was hoping to get out of the tear-fest. If it was Yuta... maybe he'd listen, but he certainly wouldn't hug the fucker. 

 

Taeyong was a cold-hearted bastard, but Taeil made him soft as fuck. And Taeil also had no idea about how shitty Taeyong really was. Maybe the constantly battered knuckles and the smoking tipped him off a bit, but if he thought Taeyong was anything but a sweet, overly clean friend, he certainly didn't act like it.

 

"Y-you're such a g-good friend... Do-Doyoung isn't even this nice..."

 

Doyoung...? Doyoung, Doyoung... who the-- oh right, Taeil's best friend. Taeyong was half tempted to say something along the lines of  _that's because I'm dedicated to you at a level only lovers should be, but no big._  Obviously, he didn't say that. Instead he said, "Wanna come in and watch horror movies while eating ice cream?" Taeil's pouty, sad little face as he nodded was unreasonably adorable. He clung onto Taeyong's sleeve as they went back inside, looking like a small lost child and giving Taeyong so many heart attacks. By the time Taeyong had Taeil wrapped in blankets with a carton of cookies 'n' cream, avidly watching The Ring II, he had sent several texts to his roommate.

 

Now, typically, Taeyong wasn't one to meddle in the relationships of his friends. He wasn't someone who liked meddling at all, really. But he had seen too much. He had heard Taeil crying too many times, had seen Taeil's lifeless, sad smile as he was continuously ignored by his shitty boyfriend, had given him tiny forehead kisses too many times after Johnny fucking  _used_ his sweet little hyung to the extent that the elder couldn't even share the same bed with him. 

 

Taeyong had had enough.

 

**Me, 3.38 PM**

**johnny wtf, y the fk r u @ the sk8 prk**

 

**Johnny, 3.45 PM**

**lol bc jay invited me, hes showing me some sick new moves**

 

**Me, 43.45 PM**

**nd u thought that was a gud reason to cancel ur plans with ur bf????**

 

**Johnny, 3.54 PM**

**lol its not like he cares that much, it was  just alunch date n e ways**

 

**Me, 3.55 PM**

**holy fk how r u so stupid. johnny what is the date today**

 

**Johnny, 4.02 PM**

**lol y?? its jun 14 bro**

 

**Johnny, 4.04 PM**

**o wait... his birthday....**

 

**Me, 4.05 PM**

**ur such a fkn dumbass. u cancelld plns w ur bf o n his bday for sk8ing. i founf him cryung, asshole. fix this or fuck OFF**

 

**Johnny, 4.09 PM**

**mb mb. i feel like a shit boyfriend lol**

 

Taeyong wanted to kill his best friend sometimes. The thing was, Johnny was a really nice guy, usually. He just fucking sucked at relationships.

 

***

 

Johnny took Taeil out for dinner and gave him a bouquet of slightly wilted flowers. He paid attention to him for the first few minutes, until he got distracted by the pretty waitress. 

 

And then Taeil had to think, why was this happening to him?

 

And he realized, that day, on his twentieth birthday.

 

Because this is all he deserved. 

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> anywho!! hope u guys enjoyed uwu!!! leave a comment and tell me your thoughts~  
> also throughout the chapter i had a couple 'maybe okay will be ur always moments', sue me


	5. flare

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> a sudden eruption of energy on the solar disk lasting minutes to hours, from which radiation and particles are emitted.  
> "something new was flaring inside of him"

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> it's been awhile! i moved to japan! im still a proud moonctzen, and taeyong is whipped af!

Fucking Ten was easy. Familiar. His body, smaller and untoned, harsh with jutting ribs and hip bones, felt like returning home after being away for a long time. But it felt like a home that wasn’t his. Somewhere he lived, not something he owned. He knew Ten’s noises, he knew where to touch to make him fall apart, knew when he was close. And Ten knew that about Taeyong too.

 

Fighting was easy too. Fighting felt like it was _his._ The feeling of his fist meeting its target; a hard nose or a soft stomach, the absolute rush of being hit back, of feeling his lip and knuckles split. Spitting out blood and turning back to his opponent, red-stained teeth bared in an exuberant grin. Nothing was as exhilerating as hearing the cheers of the crowd as he panted, chest heaving, looking down at the unconscious man below him. There was no better feeling.

 

At least, that’s how it used to be. Fucking and fighting. Not always the same people, not always the same place.

 

Taeyong had just won his last fight, and it was so fucking easy; like swatting a fly, barely five hits and the guy was out cold. There was no rush, no euphoric feeling of victory. It was just something he had to deal with. Fighting had failed him tonight, so he turned to the nearest screaming fangirl and kissed her so hard she swooned. Or maybe she was just dramatic. The girl was Taeyong’s type; thick and full and soft, but Taeyong couldn’t even appreciate her body as he took her home and laid down between her legs.

 

Because there was only one thing, one person on his mind lately.

 

He snuck out of the girl’s bed a bit past three in the morning. He dressed himself carefully and quietly, calling a taxi even as he was stepping out of the front door. He blinked tiredly at the world outside, dark and quiet, starting to wish he had stayed home to play Uno with Johnny and his mates. But Taeyong also knew he could only handle Jaehyun, Mark and Jeno for the time it took to greet them.

 

Unlocking his apartment with tired abandon, he had expected the mess. Alcohol and cards were all over the place, one of Taeyong’s pillows was inexplicably on top of the T.V, but what he truly didn’t expect, was Donghyuck, Johnny’s little brother, sleeping on the couch, cuddled up against someone just as small as him, if not smaller. Taeyong toed of his shoes, quietly stepping over to the lounge and falling into a squat. Donghyuck was asleep on his side, back against the couch, with… fuck him, _Taeil_ , pressed into his front, face buried in the kid’s chest.

 

Their arms were wrapped tightly around each other, and everytime Donghyuck breathed, it sent Taeil’s hair fluttering. Taeyong pressed his palm to his mouth, muffling an adoring squeak because holy fuck, this was the cutest shit he’s ever seen. He pulled out his phone, snapping about a hundred pictures before he grabbed a blanket from the cupboard and draped it over the two. Unfortunately, Donghyuck is a lighter sleeper than Taeil (who’s never once been woken up by Taeyong’s motherly antics) and the younger boy’s eyes slowly blinked open. He gazed up at Taeyong, a smile spreading over his cute face.

 

“Taeyongie hyung,” he said softly. “I missed you.”

 

Taeyong felt his heart seizing in his chest, his dongsaeng pouting so cutely. “Sorry Hyuckie,” he murmured, reaching out to boop his nose. If I had known you were coming, I would have stayed.”

 

“S’okay,” Donghyuck yawned before snuggling closer to Taeil. “I got to meet Taeil hyung.”

 

“I’m guessing you like him,” Taeyong grinned fondly at the tuft of hair, the only part of Taeil that was visible.

 

“He’s the cutest hyung in the world. He deserves better than my brother.” Taeyong sighed, silently agreeing.

 

“Did he get drunk?”

 

“No, he stayed sober for me. He’s just cuddly when he’s tired.” Taeyong’s heart was about to burst out of his chest, he wasn’t kidding. He had loved Donghyuck since the moment he met him. He was clever and sassy, with no respect for his elders and a certain admirable indifference of what anyone thought of him. He was an amazing kid, especially considering that Taeyong usually didn’t care for highschoolers one way or another.

 

Jeno and Mark were a couple years older than Donghyuck, but to Taeyong's knowledge they all attended or are attending the same school. But Mark and Jeno are more annoying than Donghyuck, and they evoke Taeyong's disregard for highschoolers. Actually Mark might be out of high school. Fuck if Taeyong knew, honestly. He did know that there was probably underage drinking here last night.

 

Taeyong smiled eventually, reaching out to brush the kid’s bangs out of the way. “Mm, look after him then. I’m gonna head to bed.” Donghyuck beamed as he nodded seriously, but gently, not wanting to wake his new favourite hyung.

 

“I’ll cuddle him well,” he promised. Taeyong ruffled Taeil’s hair fondly, part of him wishing he was in Donghyuck's place, before retrieving his pillow from its odd resting place, and heading to his room. He collapsed into his bed feeling weirdly full and empty at the same time.

 

***

 

Taeil was so _warm_ , it was absolutely wonderful. He snuggled further into the warmth, uttering out a sad little whimper when something, hands?, made him shift away. “Noooo,” he whined sleepily.

 

“Hyung, I need to get up… c’mon hyungie…” Taeil just clung harder, refusing to budge, but then the warmth disappeared from his face entirely and he pouted and reached out blindly, trying to bring the warmth back. He found an arm, and he curled around it sadly. He just wanted to be warm.

 

“Need help?” Said a new voice.

 

“Hyung, he won’t let me go.” The first voice laughed.

 

“Mm. Taeil hyung?” The second voice moved closer, getting lower and… almost gravelly. “Hyung. Wake up for me.”

 

Taeil blinked awake.

 

“Mmfwa?”

 

Donghyuck was sitting up beside Taeil's hip, and as Taeil relinquished his grip on the younger's arm and rolled onto his back, he saw Taeyong leaning away with a grin. “Hi sleeping beauty,” Taeyong snorted, walking off to the kitchen, and Donghyuck leaned forward to smile down at Taeil.

 

“You’re very cuddly,” he announced. Taeil flushed, eyes getting wider as he sat up and pulled the blanket back up to his chin. He was about to protest when Johnny emerged from his room.

 

“Taeil? Cuddly? Pff, he never sleeps with me.”

 

“Ewwww, TMI hyung! I didn’t need to know that Taeil hyungie won’t bang you.” Taeil squawked and flailed gracelessly.

 

“Please don't--”

 

“Taeil _hyungie_ totally lets me bang him!”

 

“EWWW!”

 

“JOHNNY!!”

 

Taeyong smiled to himself. Taeil deserved so much better than Johnny. Donghyuck had seen that in one night; Taeyong had had months at this point. He had bore witness to every example of it, every instance that made him see red with anger and black with hatred, but had said nothing. It wasn’t his place. But leaving the kitchen to smack Johnny upside the head was and will always be his place.

  
***

 

**Me, 9.43 AM**

**dude i needa bear my soul**

 

**Fuck face, 9.43 AM**

**lol are u a furry**

 

**Me, 9.43 AM**

**stfu u kno what i meab**

 

**Fuck face, 9.44 AM**

**somehow yes i do know what u meab**

 

**Fuck face, 9.45 AM**

**anyway whats on ur mind, bear fucker**

 

**Me, 9.51 AM**

**Oh, nothing much, just how much I’d love to get in the ring with you again and fuck you up even worse than I did the first time.**

 

**Fuck face, 9.51 AM**

**i am not too proud to admit that im fucking terrified of u rn**

 

**Me, 9.52 AM**

**good meet me @ the park asap**

 

Despite the tone of the messages, Taeyong was grinning at his phone as he walked to the park near his and Yuta’s old highschool. It wasn’t far, only twenty minutes if he walked briskly, which he usually did.

 

In Taeyong’s opinion, things with Taeil and Johnny had gotten to the point where he needed to talk to someone about it. He had known a week after he met Taeil that he liked him for more than casual flirting, and now hidsnormal coping methods only left him feeling more empty than before, and that meant he needed Yuta.

 

Taeyong only had to wait half an hour before Yuta’s car pulled into the lot.

 

“Dude,” he grinned, clapping Taeyong roughly on the back and earning a glare. Taeyong shrugged his hand away and maintained his uneffected act for as long as he could, until Yuta’s happy grin got the better of him and he pulled the boy into a familiar hug. His arms slid around Yuta’s waist, while Yuta stroked his back, knocking their foreheads together. Taeyong breathed a sigh of relief and Yuta pushed against his forehead like an affectionate cat. “Tell me what’s up.”

 

And that’s how Taeyong ended up sitting on a tiny swing set with his best friend, just past ten in the morning.

 

“It’s Taeil hyung.”

 

“Whoa, who? Have you been hiding shit from me again dude?” Taeyong looked away, moving his shoulders around non-committally but feeling guilty all the same.

 

“Fuck I should have gone to uni with you. You asshole.” Taeyong squirmed a bit more, feeling too warm and attempting to look anywhere but at his best friend.

 

“It’s just… gotten out of hand. He’s Johnny’s boyfriend.” That made Yuta’s eyes bug out of his head, like one of those toys you squeeze so the eyeballs pop out of the skull. Taeyong snorted, pushing at his shoulder. “Shut the fuck up man.”

 

“I didn't say shit!”

 

“You fucking _thought_ it!”

 

Yuta rolled his eyes, then turned to inspect his nails. They must have been pretty interesting, because he took so long to speak that Taeyong was tempted to blurt out his whole mess of an inner monologue already,  but (luckily) Yuta finally spoke up.

 

“Let me guess,” he said, voice impossibly softer and kinder than it had been just a few moments ago, “this ‘Taeil hyung’ is Johnny’s boyfriend but you’re in love with him and Johnny, as always, is a major fuck up in relationships and treats Taeil like trash, whereas you would treat him like the prince he is.” Yuta finally looked up, and Taeyong’s peach face (which he’s pretty sure clashed horribly with his hair) must have been all the confirmation he needed. He heaved out a sigh, which turned into a sad grin, twisting up at the corner. “Just tell him how you feel, man.”

 

“I did.”

 

“...Come again?”

 

“I told him I liked him the week after we met, and he ghosted me. The next time I saw him was after he drunkenly hooked up with Johnny in our apartment.”

 

Yuta looked like one of those toys again, and a secret part of Taeyong was actually quite pleased that he could still surprise Yuta so severely after years of knowing each other. Far better than either ever intended, mind you.

 

“Let me get this straight. You, Lee Taeyong, infamous underground fighter and notorious high school dropout, admitted your feelings to a human being after only knowing them for a week? What the fuck? What has uni done to you!” The undignified cry was punctuated with a punch to his arm, which made Taeyong flinch away with a gasp.

 

“Fuck dude, I fought last night, I’m still tender in places!” When Yuta’s only response was a raised eyebrow and an expectant look, Taeyong gave in. “Look, okay--Taeil hyung… he’s different. I mean--shit, he’s just. Special. He makes my goddamn heart soft, and everytime I see Johnny treat him badly I wanna smash Johnny’s fucking nose in. Which is so weird, because I’ve watched Johnny act this way with millions of guys before, and I never felt bad for them! I thought it was their fault for not breaking up with Johnny the second they realized he was a complete headass.

 

But Taeil--there’s someone in his life who _hurts_ him, who leaves him with cuts and scars and bruises, and he’s like, so fucking scared? Of everything? And I can’t help but just want to protect him? Which is even more fucked up because he’s _older_ than me, and I have never wanted to protect a fully grown adult man before. He’s just… he’s so soft. And he’s small, for a boy. And he’s so shy but so curious? And he’s so weird too, sometimes. He can be really funny, when it’s just him and me on the couch, just chilling. He watches horror movies when he’s depressed, to remind him that things could be worse. How cute is that?

 

And shit, Yuta, he’s so fucking pretty. You would not believe how often I think about touching his fucking eyebrows, and kissing his lips, and stroking his cheeks? And fuck, his thighs. They’re so gorgeous. I just wanna worship them. I just wanna worship _him._ I want to know everything about him, I want to be his go-to, I wanna be the guy he calls to vent to or scream at or just describe his day to. I would actually listen, and I would let him know how wonderful I think he is, and I would tell him he could never be too clingy, and I would cuddle him to sleep every night and wake him up every morning with pancakes or some shit and I would take him to my fights so he can cheer me on and be my good luck charm and be mine to kiss everytime I win. I just want--I want to be his boyfriend.”

 

Taeyong blinked. His mouth was dry. He heard Yuta mutter _holy fuck_ , and yeah, holy fuck is right. Did he really feel that way…? As soon as he had opened up his mouth, it had all just come tumbling out, but even as he said it he knew nothing was more true. He wanted Taeil, in every sense. And it fucking ached.

 

“Holy fuck,” Yuta repeated, “dude, I think you’re in love.” Taeyong sucked in a breath. He blinked hard, staring at the ground in front of him. He rubbed his feet together, had a brief identity crisis, then made a small sound of defeat.

 

“Yeah… I think I fucking am. I’m in love with my best friend’s boy.” _How fucking cliche_.

 

“Hey, I thought I was your best friend!”

 

***

 

Taeyong had been right to message Yuta. His mind felt clearer now, and although his thoughts were still chaotic and cloudy, at least now he understood why. He felt lighter in a way, and it was nice.

 

He walked into his apartment to find Taeil by himself on the lounge, shuffling Uno cards and looking sad. He looked up as Taeyong walked in, and his face lit up in a pleased grin, and shit, Taeyong could get _used_ to that.

 

“Hey, you’re back! I’m glad, I was getting lonely.” Taeyong’s heart skipped a beat (seriously? Is that what actually happened? What kinda anime girl ass bullshit--) as he sat beside Taeil. He left enough room to be respectable, but Taeil instantly shuffled over to press to his side, excitedly showing him the deck of cards. “Since you couldn’t make it last night, wanna play with me now? Johnny is tutoring Hyuckie.”

 

Taeyong smiled. “Sure hyung.”

 

So, Taeil is a fucking beast at Uno. A part of Taeyong wondered, as he’s beaten for the fifth consecutive time, if all the luck that Taeil _should_ have had in life actually all went to his Uno playing abilities. “No fucking way!” Taeyong cried as Taeil met every single plus two or plus three with a counter of his own. Taeyong was so sure he had this one, had been convinced that he had been blessed by the gods of Uno to play a legendary round and defeat this Uno devil, but no. Taeyong ended up absolutely thrashed, with over half the deck in his hand as Taeil put down his last card.

 

“Fuck!” Taeyong shouted, throwing his arms in the air. Taeil only laughed, and it was so loud and such a full body laugh, full of squeaks and gasping breaths that Taeyong momentarily forgot all about _why_ Taeil was laughing. And then Taeil stood up, and started doing this little victory dance, which was so horribly cringe-worthy that Taeyong just _had_ to get out his phone and film it.

 

“I wo~on, oh yeah I won aga~in~” He sang under his breath as he continued his odd dance, which involved what looked like very slow hula-hooping without the hoop, and some strange hand gestures reminiscent of pushing a shopping cart down an aisle. Taeyong was giggling to himself, watching Taeil through his phone camera and feeling so fucking in love. Taeil finished off his dance with a Stayin’ Alive pose and… holy shit, an honest to god _amazing_ high note. As soon as he was done, Taeyong stopped filming in favour of giving Taeil a dramatically tearful standing ovation.

 

“Amazing! Amazing! Uno player of the century, singing angel!  Incredible!” Taeil’s smile was huge, eyes disappearing into happy crescents as he gave mock bows.

 

“Thank you, thank you you’re too kind.” Taeil finally collapsed back onto the couch with a satisfied giggle, leaning against Taeyong’s side, head on the younger boy’s shoulder. Taeyong tried to resist. He really did. But there was something so utterly fantastic about an unapologetically happy Moon Taeil that Taeyong couldn’t help but wrap his arm around Taeil’s waist and squeeze him closer.

 

And maybe to an outsider looking in, maybe to Taeil, the gesture would seem completely innocent. But Taeyong felt the burn of guilt on his tongue when he swallowed and rested his head against Taeil’s. For a second he let himself believe that he and Taeil were in a relationship. He closed his eyes as a painful wound opened in his chest, spreading out.

 

“Wanna see some pictures of a dog I saw?” Taeyong forced himself to ask, trying desperately to not get lost in this feeling, in this fantasy. Taeil hummed and nodded, and Taeyong felt the gesture against his shoulder, against his head, through his whole body. He had expected Taeil to pull away, but he guessed Taeil was comfy. So he took out his phone, flicking through the pictures of a cute shiba he and Yuta saw at the park, swiping through to a picture he took of Yuta hanging upside down from the monkey bars, which surprised a loud laugh from Taeil.

 

Taeyong felt it to his core.

 

“Who’s he?” The elder asked in a cheerful, slightly sleepy voice.

 

“Mm, that’s Yuta. I’ve known him since I was eight.”

 

“Cute,” was all Taeil said in response. Taeyong flushed, deciding to keep swiping to ease his embarrassment. But he forgot about the hundred or so pictures he had taken of Taeil and Donghyuck sleeping together in the lounge.

 

He’d been caught. There’s no way these pictures came across as platonic, right? But the only response he got from Taeil was a soft coo and a deeper snuggle. “I really like Hyuckie,” he murmured. Taeyong couldn’t see his face, but he could hear the smile in his voice. “Not a lot of people would let me cuddle them the day they met me,” now Taeil let out a self-conscious laugh, and Taeyong could immediately feel Taeil grow more tense. “S-shit, I’m sorry Yongie I didn’t realize how clingy I was being--”

 

Taeil moved to sit up, but Taeyong squeezed his waist and gently eased his head back onto his shoulder. He shushed Taeil and the elder’s weak protests died on his tongue. “I don’t mind,” Taeyong said, and even if it wasn’t a lie, it wasn’t quite the truth. The truth was that he loved being close to Taeil like this. He felt warm and comfortable in a way he never had before; he never wanted it to end.

 

Taeil made an amused noise. “You’re too nice to me.”

 

“I think you’re someone that doesn’t get treated with enough niceness.” Taeyong’s reply was automatic, out of his mouth before he could even realize the implications of it. “Um, sorry, I just mean… I think I’m just nice. Not too nice. You deserve… uh, you deserve nice.”

 

Taeyong’s awkward stumbling was met with silence, and for a couple minutes Taeyong is sure he’s fucked something up majorly, until he feels Taeil’s delicate hand on his thigh, just above his knee. Taeyong glances down, staring at that hand that really shouldn’t have so much control over his heart. But it just looks so nice, sitting there, possessive almost. He’s so focused on Taeil’s hand that he noticed the way it trembles, just the tiniest bit.

 

And then, in a voice so small that Taeyong is sure he wouldn’t have heard it if he wasn’t so close to the elder, Taeil whispered, “thank you.” The sincerity in those words only proved to Taeyong that Taeil definitely didn't have enough niceness in his life. Taeyong licked his lips, and reached out shakily to hold Taeil’s hand. Gently, he turned it over, gazing down at the huge, ugly scar on Taeil’s otherwise soft palm. He traced it delicately, making Taeil release a breathy sigh.

 

The only thing he can think to reply with is _of course, hyung._

  
  
  


**Notes for the Chapter:**

> plsplspls if u like this fic leave kudos and comments!!! i love comments  
> i just made a twitter for my ao3 acct!!   
> Check out melmel ≥﹏≤ (@sunshinybub1): https://twitter.com/sunshinybub1?s=09  
> gimme a follow if u wanna chat abt fics or abt anything at all !!!


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